The following is an excerpt from my book "How To Fail As a Husband." It's available on Amazon and Audible, and free on Kindle Unlimited.
My wife Kelly is an oncology nurse at a local hospital. She usually leaves for work about half an hour before I do. One of my favorite times of each day is the 15 minutes or so we get to spend sitting over cups of coffee before she goes. The way we start that time together goes exactly the same almost every day. I’ll be sitting at our kitchen island. Kelly will come down from upstairs and ask, “Do you want coffee?” I say, “Sure.” She makes coffee and pours us both a cup. I say, “Thank you.” She makes her lunch, and then we have a few minutes to sit and talk before she leaves for work. Every. Single. Day. Same thing. We talk about any number of things: our jobs, the kids, what we have on our schedules for the day, friends, and family. Just about anything is fair game. Sometimes we sit and just enjoy the coffee and the quiet. One thing we try not to do is pull out our phones. This time is ours and ours alone.
I’ve come to appreciate, maybe even crave, that time with my wife. Like most people, our lives are busy. There are few opportunities to have time alone with our spouses. No matter how introverted or extroverted you are, everyone needs quiet time alone with their partner. It’s when we emotionally connect. It’s also when we cement the connections we already have, whether those connections are centered around kids, plans, frustrations, or our futures.
Family conversations around the dinner table are important. Hanging out in the backyard and chatting with friends can be energizing and just downright enjoyable. We should do these things as often as we can. The problem, though, is that very little if any of that time gets spent by us really talking to and connecting with our wives. At the dinner table we’re trying to coerce our teenagers into responding to us with something, anything, more than that one-word answer that teens seem to believe works for any question from a parent… “fine.” At a BBQ with friends, we’re busy playing host. We’re with the guys crowding around the grill talking about our jobs or Phil’s much-too-young-for-him third wife. Our wives are… doing whatever wives do when they’re in groups, which for some reason usually seems to involve wine and loud laughter. Family gatherings are spent catching up with family members we don’t see often enough, enjoying a great meal, and trying to keep Uncle Bill from creeping out the kids. This time spent with our children, friends, and family is valuable and necessary. It builds and strengthens those relationships. But it does little for our close and intimate relationships with our wives. Regular, reliable one-on-one time builds closeness, and that closeness becomes the foundation of our relationships.