Is Therapy Really For Men?

Being both male and a therapist gives me an interesting perspective on how men in our society are really doing. More and more it seems that many men in our culture are surrounded by people but still lonely, often depressed without even recognizing it. They're unfulfilled - particularly at home, and desperately trying to figure out their place in a changing world. My somewhat unique view has shown me over and over that we live in a culture where men can benefit from therapy more than ever. Here’s why I think that is:

Like everyone everywhere, men rely on relationships to succeed. As men, we have a lot of relationships that meander in and out of our lives. These relationships include marriages, relationships with our children, work relationships, friendships, and more. The most successful people you meet or read about will tell you that their success is driven at least in part by the relationships they form and nurture. My wife is not only my friend and partner; she’s also my closest and most supportive relationship. The better my relationship with her, the happier and more productive I am, and the better my kids do growing up and developing into mature, successful adults with healthy relationships of their own. My relationships with coworkers have led to whatever successes I’ve had professionally (and often to my failures when I’m not attending to those relationships well enough). I have a few close friends I can go to with things I might not be able to confide in someone else. The better my relationship with my doctor, the more likely I am to follow their advice and therefore the healthier I stay. Conversely, the men I know who struggle most through life are the ones with nonexistent, surface level only, or struggling and conflictual relationships. One of the greatest benefits of therapy is learning about who we are in our own relationships, and how to develop our relationships into meaningful two-way streets that are both effective and beneficial to us and others.

Our culture has, at best, blurred the definition of what it means to be a man. It might be even more accurate to say men are being marginalized and pushed out to the fringes of family and society. I could spend pages here discussing how this came to be, but I’ll emphasize this point: the diminishment of the role of the father in society has led to many young men growing up with a limited or nonexistent example of how to grow into effective men and fathers. As an example, watch any television show geared toward our youth. Assuming they’re even featured in the show with any substance at all (which is often NOT the case), fathers are typically presented in one of two ways: a.) they’re portrayed as "best friends" to their children, or b.) they’re the goofy buffoon guy in the house that the mom and kids roll their eyes at, make fun of, then dismiss (think “Everybody Loves Raymond”). I remember telling my now adult daughters when they were early teens, “Make no mistake: it’s not my job to be your friend, and I’m not the kind of dad you want to mock.” When I’ve worked with men in therapy, helping them define their role and responsibilities has been a central theme in why they come see m. So many men I’ve met come to therapy struggling to meet what seem to be society’s expectations of them as a husband/father and feeling like they’re failing, while fighting an internal emotional and thought battle that they’re just not getting it right. This is often because they’re trying to be what society wants them to be instead of who they really are. They’ve been trapped in the “Act Like a Modern Man Box.” Therapy is an incredibly effective way of identifying and defining our own values and beliefs, and learning how to implement them in our lives in a way that is effective for both us and those in our relationship circles.

 Almost every man wants to be better than his father. It’s a central theme that seems to occur with men so much more than women – “I’ll consider my life a success if I do better than my dad did.” I was fortunate to grow up with a dad who was both present and active in my life. He wasn't perfect by any means; but he was there. I also, when I become a father, almost right away started defining the ways I wanted to do better than he did. “I want to be at every game, concert, and parent-teacher conference.” “I’m going to hug more and lecture less.” “I want to be hands on and actually teach my kids how to do things.” “I’ll talk with them more and actually listen.” Like everything in life, I’ve been successful in some of those efforts and failed miserably in others. In essence, I’ve ended up much more like my dad than I thought I ever would, simply because he too wanted to (and did) do better than HIS father. One of the ways therapy helps men is to not only help them learn about themselves and how they can change their thoughts and behaviors to do better, but therapy can help men understand the world they came from and what there is to learn from it. That helps us not repeat mistakes from our fathers, but also helps us learn what they did right so we can keep that trend moving forward.

It pains me a little to admit that I’m not really a “manly man.” I’m not a warrior of any kind, but I’m also not afraid of confrontation when I can’t avoid it. I do better with spreadsheets than I do with tears. I have a decent workshop in my garage that I don’t spend enough time in. I make bad jokes and dad jokes (usually one in the same). I love to cook, grill and use my smoker, mostly because I like to eat. All in all, I’m… well… mostly just a guy.

Make no mistake; the irony is not lost on me that I’m trained and employed as a therapist. I spend a portion of every day immersed in emotions and hurt, interpersonal relationships, and the process of change. Activities that are very non-guy. I’ve lost count of how many times in my 30-year career someone has made a comment like “You’re not the kind of person I’d expect to be a therapist.” And when one takes into consideration the “typical” therapist – or at least how therapists are portrayed in film, media, etc. – those statements are valid. Over the years, my standard has response has become, “You’re probably right; but maybe the therapy field needs more ‘guys’ like me who are uniquely equipped to help other men.”

Therapy isn’t for everyone; nor should it be. Many people are doing better in life than they think they are. And if you’re one of those men for whom life is going pretty well, and you’re not knowingly hurting (yourself or someone else) keep doing what you’re doing! But if you’re struggling, even with that lingering doubt that you can or should be doing better, consider reaching out to see a therapist. At the very least, you’ll learn something about yourself, and that’s always a win.